Given the war in Ukraine, the recent pandemic, and the resulting impact on our society, the world certainly offers us sufficient opportunities for disappointment. However, there is a significant difference between disappointment and dissatisfaction. Disappointment tends to result from temporary circumstances, such as those that dissipated as we worked through the pandemic.
Dissatisfaction driven by one’s life circumstances or nature is similar to the psychological concept of “relative deprivation,” which refers to the experience of being deprived of something to which one believes they are entitled. It is the discontent felt when one compares their position in life to that of others who they feel are equal or inferior but have unfairly had more success.
As a coach to CEOs, continuous learning is necessary to keep up with the talented people we advise. A year ago, I completed a webinar on the Science of Satisfaction hosted by the Management Research Group (MRG). Leadership, Inc. uses the MRG Personal Directions Inventory as one of two primary assessment tools.
When I went through MRG certification training fourteen years ago, I learned something extremely valuable about myself: I was dissatisfied with my life. It is easy to go from one bad relationship or situation to another. Accumulate enough troubled relationships and problems, and they all start to feel normal. This realization set me on a six-year, freeing, and, at times, harrowing journey. In the end, the journey has been worth it. I am now living my best life ever. And, my business success has grown exponentially.
A few clients have claimed that our work with them, and notably the measure of dissatisfaction on the Personal Directions Inventory, has helped change their lives for the better. We saw these clients make dramatic changes by taking control of their lives and making the tough decisions necessary for growth. One client took a sabbatical and sailed the Caribbean for a year. Another client who was a partner in a Big 4 CPA firm transitioned from accounting to general management and became the CEO of a high-profile company.
We have coached many semi-successful executives whose progress had stalled because of self-victimization and their dissatisfaction with life. I am surprised at how many executives live in a state of unhappiness and are mostly unaware of their discontent. If only they could incorporate what several studies have shown into their lives: highly effective leaders report high satisfaction and low dissatisfaction.
Are you this person . . . the victim? Interestingly, almost all the coaching clients we have encountered with high-life dissatisfaction are somewhat aware of their pessimistic worldview. Yet, none of these individuals have ever considered how it limited their progress.
What can you do to find greater life satisfaction?
The first step to change is to acknowledge the need to change. If you are self-victimizing, what steps can you take to stop it? To quote Rumi, a thirteenth-century poet and philosopher: “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
Second – The second step to successfully changing a situation is understanding the root cause of the feelings of powerlessness. In our coaching, when confronted with the dissatisfaction roadblock, we always ask the client to work with a psychologist to find the origin of self-victimization by diving into possible issues ranging from the family of origin to unadjusted environments and behaviors compared to one’s needs. One of the keys to my successful journey was working with a great psychologist. Twelve years later, I continue monthly sessions to help objectify what I am doing to myself. She calls me on my fallacies.
Third — Run towards what you want, not away from what you don’t want. Make one-year and ten-year bucket lists and make them actionable and with specific deadlines. The problem with most bucket lists is that they lack urgency and are often too general. Five years ago, I moved to Mexico. I had always wanted to live in a foreign country. Three years ago, I bought a motorcycle and learned to ride it. And two years ago, I went to a motorcycle speed school to learn how to corner better. Riding down a straightaway at 160mph was almost as exhilarating as learning to navigate a hairpin curve at 45mph. My ten-year list includes an African photo safari and completing a half-ironman triathlon.
Fourth — Focus on Others. I have long been in awe of the Navy SEAL ethos. SEALs learned long ago that a heart for each other overcomes the fear of anything, any day. Give compassion — others will pay it forward. Have their backs — they will have yours. It’s the will that leads to skill. It’s a heart-set and a mindset. The research from MRG has found that the more a person gives, the higher their life satisfaction.
Practice Gratitude — As mentioned earlier, victim mentality focuses on your needs or desires being deprived. There is a line in Sheryl Crow’s song “Soak Up the Sun”: “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.” Be thankful for what you already have. Navy SEALs also understand that gratitude is an outgrowth of a daily striving for excellence. It leads to long-term thinking and more success at all levels. Another quote from Rumi: “Wear gratitude like a cloak, and it will feed every corner of your life.”
Train Your Brain — Be more attentive to everyday positive experiences and hold onto them for 10 to 15 seconds to grow new neural networks in the brain. Synapses grow in efficiency with repeated stimulation. Over the past twenty years, there has been much research in psychology on the impact of positive thinking on one’s health and life outcomes. Focus on the YES of the situation rather than the NO.
Take control — Victims convince themselves that there’s nothing they can do to change the situation, but that’s rarely true. Change your appraisal of the negative. Find opportunities in problems.
Finally, there is no simple formula for life satisfaction. We all have different values and needs. It may take a year or more of trial and error before you move forward. We feel strongly that people who experience higher satisfaction in life tend to be more successful in their endeavors. Many people believe business success leads to life satisfaction. In my case, and others we have witnessed, life satisfaction led to business success.